musings on a muse

so i was in love with a girl. or i thought i was. i know now that it wasn't love, but more like obsession. fine line, that; between love and obsession. love is about giving in. obsession is about taking. and that's what i got confused with for a long, long time. i couldn't tell the difference, because, well, i had never felt it before. it was all new to me.

at any rate, i was obsessed with this girl. she will remain nameless - not that she reads this blog. every female character that i write, is in one shape or form about her. usually the character will take on her physical attributes or adopt some of her qwirks that just make her original. really though, if she were to stand in a crowd of girls her age, you probably wouldn't be able to pick her out. still, i loved her, or i thought i did. i spent too many long nights thinking about her, when in reality, she barely ever thought of me. what resulted was me basing the character of james in desert sessions on her, as well as the character of cassandra in this is hardcore. now i am in a predicament of writing a new character, sean, in revolutionaries wanted. it's odd, because i have transfered my interest from this girl, this sole girl, my muse if you will, to others. yet she still resides as the standard, to whom i compare all girls to. no one is ever as pretty as she is, or as likable as she is, even though the truth might be the opposite. when people get into your head, it's pretty tough to get them out, i find. and it really isn't her fault at all; it's funny how some people can just destroy you, just by failing to realize that you exist. and that's what this is hardcore was mainly about: the confusion of love and obsession and failing to realize the existence of others outside one's own pained world view.

obsession is a bitch. don't be a slave to it, because it's unhealthy. (if you're gonna be a slave, be a slave to rock'n roll!) it was unfair to her, because it placed her in a position in my mind that she could never live up to, and it's unfair for me, because i shouldn't waste my life on someone who isn't interested. do i still think she's gorgeous? you bet. do i still think she's amazing and incredible and intelligent? definitely. but do i crave her? not so much. still, for better or worse, she will be my muse. i am endevoring to write another female character into revolutionaries wanted who will be everything that this girl is not. it's a tough task, but i think i'm up for it. they say the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. well, i have a problem. and i'm going to do something about it. that seems to be my mantra as of late: recognize my problem, do something about it. just call me action jackson.

hey, i just got an idea: since rubber bracelets seem to be the fad these days (eg: the one campaign), i think i'm gonna start passing around rubber bracelets of my own. they'll say, "free loring." how's that for indulgence? at any rate, i already know now that revolutinaries wanted is going to be vicious, and cruel, and just a downright mind fuck. i'm in a vicious mood. can you tell?